I am horrible at taking people's advice. I have a near overreaction that overtly, instantly communicates disgust and disapproval. Yea, that's my defense mechanism from being controlled, manipulated, and pressured throughout my life. I'm very well aware of it...and yes, I'm working on it.
But seriously, how often do people offer their opinions and advice? Many do, right? Many times, I have been that person as well. But luckily I've learned to offer it without high pressure (I hope) and say it in a friendship kind of style: "If I were in your situation, this is probably what I would do......"
NOTE: During this quarter at Summit Bible College, I learned more from my counseling class how that is NOT the way to counsel.
But we give advice to friends all the time right? Try this shampoo, go to my hairdresser, go to my chiropractor, you need a such&such vacuum, don't pick that insurance, these cars are the best...really, the list can go on and on, right? And because the list does go on and on, we've got to figure out a way to wade through their advice.
What I have learned works
'for me' is to make observations about the person giving the advice, BEFORE I consider it.
- What are their motives? Some people really want the best for us and so their advice can reflect that. Other times, many times, people think that the decisions they've made in their lives are the best ones, and despite the fact that you have a different life, different priorities, a different purpose, they really think you should do what they did. I often say 'why do they want me to do that so bad?' Sometimes they have a limited view of life and while they think what they've done is amazing and the greatest, you, yourself may have seen a lot more and want even more, but they don't realize that and so they are soooooo excited to share what they did. They are often offended if you don't take their advice. As though you not desiring to do what they did is your disapproval of them. Which is usually not the case. Other times, there is a control factor. We see this a lot with parents and their kids. Parents have dreams and goals for their kids, without the child even expressing interest. Then parents control and manipulate their child's life to bring that dream to pass. When children are young, they may enjoy it...but as soon as they become adults, it's apparent that the parents have dictated to the child what they will do and be. Soon this control and expectation becomes a heavy burden on the grown child. Check out the person's motives of why they are offering you advice. Do they have monetary interest in you jumping on their bandwagon?
- Is their fruit of their advice working for them, in their lives? For illustrative purposes, let's use the fact there are a ton of shakes on the market. Some you buy at WalMart, others you buy online from a MLM. You know what I'm getting at right? There's Isagenix, Visalus, and my favorite Shakeology. Now last year Isagenix people were everywhere...and while that sounded ideal to not eat for 9-11 days and drink only shakes and drop 10-20 lbs (NOT!) - before I was PERSUADED to buy into this 'fix to weight problems'...I looked around at all these women drinking them. The fruit I saw was women going up and down in their weight. A sure indication that this was not a long-term weight loss solution. I heard of one woman buying a van with all the money she earned, but a few months later, she was thick again. Another woman who followed her friends' advice to buy in (so that they could make money off her) still battles with her weight today. Why do I use that example? Well....For me, as I have successfully lost over 25 lbs. and kept it off by using Beachbody workout programs (Beachbody makes Shakeology btw.) (Which Beachbody above all does offer a better comprehensive plan of focusing on nutrition and exercise, the best combo for long-term weight loss...just btw.) But since soooo many were 'pressuring' others to buy into this fascinating shake, I sat back and watched. See, I like to see if the 'advice' someone is giving me even works for them. Make sense? For that case, I'm not convinced...this can apply anywhere...think of the all the real estate deals at 'low interest rates' that went on 2005-2007. Did that really work for most long-term? No. Folks, we need to be more objective and look at the bigger picture of the person's life. I've heard it said, you don't take financial advice from a beggar right. I also don't take financial advice from people thousands, and thousands of dollars in debt. Many look at the outside of what people have. But do they even OWN it? Hmmmmm. Right? Gross and net are 2 different numbers. If you take all their assets and minus their liabilities, you may find that you are in a better situation than them. Just look at the overall fruit and get to know the person well before you take their word for it!
- And when there is fruit from people's advice and they have no controlling motives, just pure genuine compassion and interest in you doing well...then I take that advice to prayer.
We must be vigilant in screening people's advice they speak into our lives. There are a ton of 'self-help' tools that many stumble upon and they try to turn us onto it. Did it even work for them? Has it brought them out to the other side yet???
One of the greatest sources for 'advice' in my life is: GOD.
Honestly, on any decision I need to make, especially the ones that impact my entire life, family, and finances - I always take it to prayer and ask for God to confirm that direction/decision.
In all this halulbaloo on people giving me advice, they don't realize that I go to the One who holds my future and knows exactly what I need to do.
Not to be boastful at all, but I really can accomplish anything I set out to do.
Except heart, brain, or any kind of surgery...I can't operate X-Ray equipment, I can't sew...Wow...I can't do EVERYTHING....Although, note the keywords: ANYTHING I SET OUT TO DO.
I've met many entrepreneurs in my life. And they are all convinced that I should do what they do. Well why do you think that is so: They chose it for THEIR life and it's working for them. And many times, they see someone who can do much, and they want to make money off me. Hey, can you blame them?
It's the AMERICAN way!
For example, I was going and blowing when I worked as a buying agent for Mark Ponder in real estate here locally in 2000-2002. At 24 to 26 years I was making $5,000/month w/ very little bills. That was 'successful' in the world's eyes, right?
But was out drinking nightly to wine and mingle successful? Put in potentially adultress situations successful? Yea...I didn't think so either.
At 26 years old, I evaluated what I was doing, my hours, the requirements of my time and asked myself: Could I be a mom and wife doing this? Working 7/8 a.m. to 6-10 p.m. on any given day, and mostly 7 days/week. When would I have time to be a mom and wife?
Now, here is the thing...While I wasn't married yet, I made a decision to bow out early on because the lifestyle I wanted with going to church, taking care of my future family did not fit into this career choice at the time. It was that simple. Why pour my life out into something that would NOT support my true future goals? (Which that is important to figure out now, for decisions that will impact your life later....)
I really figured out at a young age that LIFE IS NOT ABOUT MONEY. I knew millionaires then, at 25ish...I saw all the cool stuff you can have, places you can go, people to clean your house, drive you around, cook for you...But then I saw a snapshot of their voided, corrupted heart. Their #1 priority was themselves, their lusts, they wants and desires...at any cost. (Yea, pretty grateful that God invaded my life at that season to pull me out of that arena!)
Now, I have met some great people who have a lot of money...you wouldn't know it though. They OWN average homes in nice neighborhoods, they drive a typical car. They wear caps and jeans and tennis shoes, clip coupons, save more than they spend. They have hobbies, they usually love their spouse/family and talk about them a lot in short conversations....There are some good people out there with money. Most are what is called 'old money'. You know the ones who figured out early on that life is not about making more and more...but since they did good things with it to better other people's lives, they got even more blessed. Those are millionaires that impress me. The ones that you would never guess are millionaires...You can tell that they have money, but money does not have them. Their money is not what makes them confident.
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See for me, my top, top priorities are GOD & FAMILY. When something comes along that is inticing BUT interferes with those 2 priorities, I can't even consider it.
But I will hear words of:
Think of all the money you can make?????
Really? Is that all what life is about? Sure we need money to survive, but to forfeit 5-10 years of being home with my family daily, while my kids are so little, so needy, and impressionable, is that really a good choice? Is that what God would call me to do? NO. I don't read it in the Bible and can't feel it in my deep convictions. I cannot find anything that calls me to chase money. (Check out the Book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible...and it's written by Solomon, the richest man in the Bible who...guess what? Fell to lust and took many wives and chased their false gods. Hmmmm, did you know that?)
We are living in a time of 'relativism' - what's good for you is good for you, what's good for me, is good for me. Although, I see this more when it comes to discussions about the Lord Jesus Christ. 'Yea, that Jesus thing, hey it doesn't work for me, but if it works for you, great!'
Yet, at the same time, we are inundated with emails, advertisements, commercials, sales calls, and all those things basically communicating:
Hey this is great for you -
YOU NEED IT, YOU GOTTA HAVE IT, YOU SHOULD DO IT!
On a personal level, I look at people's fruit. What is their fruit? I look at their marriage, their kids, their relationships, their personality, their debt, their family values...and many times, my subconscious thought is: I DON'T WANT THEIR LIFE...so I won't take their advice.
For me, it's really that simple. Now, I don't verbalize that obviously. But I'm learning to shake my head to indicate I hear them...ask a couple questions to find out more to affirm my decision of 'no'...and then evade the commitment.
If the statistic I've read from reliable sources is true that only 10% of believers read their Bibles, than I think it's safe to assume that many people in this world do
not serve God, let alone share my personal values and convictions. So with that in mind, should I jump on every opportunity that comes my way or follow everyone's advice?
I remind myself often, people have no idea what God is feeding me, what He is teaching me, and showing me for my future. I'm in this season of my roots growing down deep and catching a vision for my future. You can't see on the surface what the roots of a tree do, just as many do not see what God is bestowing in my heart.
My advice to all is:
FIND OUT WHAT GOD MADE YOU FOR AND IS CALLING YOU TO DO,
AND THEN DO THAT!
Once you know this, people will have little influence in your life. And many of them don't even have a life that you really want, if you look at the big picture. See, I've seen the demise of many men's character, families, integrity because of monetary success. Yea, I don't want to succumb to the ways of the world, look like the world, talk and act like 'the world'....so I won't chase the Benjamins like the world.
I could ramble on and on, on this topic. Probably because for most of my life, I was influenced by so many other selfish, controlling people. As a child, I didn't know better when my peers influenced me. That mentality followed me into my teen years and early 20s where I met numerous corrupt people.
Finally at meeting Jesus and His influence penetrating into my life, I have continued to grow with wisdom on how to make decisions in my life...
and how NOT to chase other people's dreams.
Perhaps I'm doing it the wrong way. Don't take my word for it. Although, I have a husband and 2 boys who really love Jesus. I have happy, healthy kids. My husband and I have a better marriage than we did 6 years ago, 3 years ago, and 1 year ago. So I have some decent fruit growing in my life.
The advice I do give to people however, is this:
- If you don't know Jesus, ask Him into your life.
- If you know Jesus, but He's not apart of your life, ask Him to invade your life.
- If you know Jesus, or just met Him, just keep seeking Him with all your heart.
I am convinced of John 15:5 - Apart from Jesus, we can do nothing. Many would want to argue because they may have a fat bank account. But my question to them is always: how are your kids, how is your wife/your husband, how is your health, how are your parents....and where will you spend eternity?
Just some things on my heart today. There's so many things that fight for our attention, our money, and our time. Why not give it ALL to God first and allow Him to lead you down the path He has specifically chosen for YOU? Perhaps money will follow, but at least you can receive it from God, the author of your life, your creator and Father!
