Who starts the change in the marriage?

We hear it all the time that ‘my husband changed after we got married’, or ‘my wife changed’. But somewhere down the road, we both changed. I fully believe one started their own change however, and then the other changed to accommodate or fight against the other as a defense mechanism.

But who changed first? Many people point fingers and never take responsibility for their role, i.e. the blame game.

Personally, I know that my attitude is totally impacted by disappointment. I am disappointed by my ‘expectations’ not being met. A friend shared this nugget with me the other day:

When a loved one doesn't meet our expectations,

we must remember it is not our loved one that failed us,

it is our expectations that let us down.

I think many expect that the other won’t change the way they have. Now what?

Would it have helped if in pre-marital counseling the counselor ask: What if this person turned into the complete, negative opposite of who they are today? What if your spouse gained 50-100 lbs.? What if your wife never wore make-up again? What if your husband gambled all your money away? What if she never cleaned the house? What if he was grumpy for the rest of your life? What if she shopped you into deep debt? What if he never worked another day? What if ___fill in the blank____?

Wow - that would impact the number of marriages, huh? Hmmmm. I don't know...You might think I'm crazy...but think about all the divorces around us. Why are marriages ending? It's these kinds of things that are breaking the deals made. These are the daily things going on in homes...that after 5-10 years finally takes it toll. Hearts are hardened and one or both want out of the deal. They didn't sign up for this, right?

However, attempting to find the source of who started us down this path leads into a quandary and conflict. It leads us to the blame game and piles on more resentment.

Resentment affects attitude. A great value of justice leads me to the ‘that’s just not right’ campaign…which leads to the resentment, i.e. bitterness for me. And my good attitude quickly deteriorates.

The cure for resentment: FORGIVENESS. I am trying to learn to ‘let people off the hook’. I should really learn to ‘not have any expectations’, huh?

But what’s the deal? You marry a person because of who they are while you’re dating, don’t you?

Maybe you married your spouse because they were super on-fire for God, they prayed for you daily, they served the Lord diligently, loved reading their Bible, talked about God with you and others all the time…and then on top of that had some awesome values of integrity, honesty, humility, hardworking ethics, humor, and compassion. While dating, they loved your thoughts and opinions, and were always affectionate.

Once married, trials come…they fall out of their devotional life. Achievement comes and they lose their humility, compassion, and pride takes over. Their job or hobbies soon become an idol (because God has lost the #1 seat with time).  Affection and conversation becomes an ‘as-needed (for them) basis’. Hmmmm.

Here’s where the voids in the spouse who is enduring this sets in. Voids are NO BUENO in a marriage!

Where opinion and thoughts were appreciated, they are now met with judgment. Where there was excitement is grief. Once married, no one wants to be sharpened…they just want agreement. No opinions please - just agree & submit!

What to do? What to do?

When you marry under God – vowing to never leave the other, no matter what – one can feel stuck. But as I've said before: Where there is Christ, there is always hope! 

So what is the game plan? My conclusion is that you enter into the season of intercession. This becomes something that only God can mend. It may not be overnight, but He can and He will!

God is for marriage. He will save, cure, and help any marriage. It works especially well when BOTH people are willing to submit to Him.

This change/miracle requires radical intercession. Is it easy? Heck no. But can we tap out? Heck no. So what are we going to do? Pray. Pray. And pray some more.

Pray for that resurrection power to penetrate hardened hearts. Pray for the fear of the Lord in both your hearts. Pray for the humility to come back. Pray for submission to the Holy Spirit’s leading. Pray for divine intervention. Pray that God will protect your mind and heart from the enemy’s temptations to lure you away. Pray that God will move quickly and swiftly. Pray for the power to forgive and forget. Pray for the ability to trust God when it is ugly. Pray that you will have the endurance to pray until the victory comes. Pray hard. Pray daily.

Pray the other spouse will pray for you. When we pray for the other person, our heart is softer toward them. Pray for your heart to stay soft. Pray that God will search your heart and show you what needs to go and change in YOU.

At this point, God has to show up. We have to get into His presence and let Him change us and bear our burdens. At this point, it’s all up to God. So give it to Him and let Him be God of your marriage….your life.

The Power of Transparency

I am always saying, "There is power in transparency". When we just confess the junk we give into, whether it's food, alcohol, overspending, or whatever the bad habit is....we are freed up. We acknowledge that some things need to change. When we share those things, we let someone in to help us, pray for us, and hold us accountable. Transparency, it's a powerful thing.

And today at church was an amazing example of that. The pastor had a few people share on suffering. People who were willing to throw their hands up and surrender to the Lord and let Him help them.

The first suffering that was discussed was the 'suffering in relationships'. He had a married couple talk about how they were on the brink of divorce (a couple of times), but as they sought counsel and drew closer to God, their marriage began the process of restoration. One family continues to ask for prayer over custody battles and the suffering that follows divorce into a newer marriage. They all continued to seek God over it, peace has followed.

After these folks shared their stories of relationships suffering, the pastor asked for people to stand if they had their own broken relationships. Then he asked others around them to pray for them. Tears were streaming down faces...hugs been given out as people were transparent to say, 'I need help', 'I need God to intervene'....

The second topic was the 'suffering in circumstances'.  You ever hear those stories of Job? Real life stories of a Job tragedy? A man stood up and shared how his first wife came to him and said "You're a great husband & I love you...but I just can't stay married to you..." He was abandoned by her. After a few years (of healing) a second wife comes into his life...the same year he was married, his mother and brother die...then a few years later, his wife died from a battle with cancer. Tragedy...But now with his current wife, he has renewed hope and joy because he remained in the Lord. And his step-daughter is grateful that he is in her life to show her the godly example of what a man can be.

His words were: "There is pain and tears. But the thing is: God loves you. And in those darkest moments, He has his hand extended to you, telling you He is there for you...It hurts right now, there are scars, but His grace will see you through."

The final story of suffering was a family who lost everything. The financial devestation story. But the wife, with tears rolling down her cheeks said she would go through it again because her husband (who she had been praying for 20 years) came to the Lord and is now taking the role of a spiritual leader.

All stories were stories that can make people throw in the towel! But these families & people are having victory over their sufferings because they have remained in the Lord. They continued to serve Him, praise Him, and love Him despite their trials.

We went on to pray for others going through circumstancial trials, those needing endurance.

And then the pastor asked people to get gutsy. He asked anyone who did not have Jesus as their Lord & Savior to stand and ask Him to be Lord of their life.

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As you're reading this, if you feel your heart racing...tears rolling down your own cheeks because you are enduring suffering, I want you to know that you don't have to go through this alone. You don't have to feel powerless over the circumstances. Right now, at your computer, your desk, your ipad....just throw your hands up where you are - Ask God to save you. Save you from your life, your decisions, your struggles, mistakes, and trials. Ask Jesus to be your Savior today...ask Him to be center of your life. Tell Him you will pursue Him, and ask Him for the strength to do so. He loves you and will help you. He is there with His hand out to you...waiting for you to reach out to Him.

Just do it now...and the death you feel on the inside will disappear and become a calm sense of security...life and peace. You don't want to go another day without it.....give Him a chance today to change your circumstances...your life! Let Him in to take over & surrender to His love....there's nothing better than what Jesus has to give you through His grace, mercy and forgiveness. He's just waiting for you to let Him in to love you...