If you knew me in high school or shortly after, you would assume I disowned her. I had a very, very rough upbringing that ended in a sad diagnosis of mental illness for her.
As a teenage girl, I truly hated her. I wanted to run away, it was really that bad. But yesterday, as I carted her around for her errands, I told she is truly a best friend of mine.
I mentioned that at her funeral, I will be recruiting a new best friend, one who has to listen to my every word and love me unconditionally, because that's what she does. There is NO ONE on this planet that listens to me so patiently, as my mom does.
The irony is that was not the case as a child/teenager. I was rejected, neglected, and emotionally bankrupt. And as I reflected over how good things are now, I started praising the Lord with her.
I pointed out God's redemption all over the place.
Without going into great detail regarding my parents for their sake, let's just say my birth was a very unplanned event, one that left a trail of trials. Born out of wedlock to say the least. I was born during the '70s, so it's not a surprise to say that my mom smoked weed DURING her pregnancy with me.
Long story short, I was raised by a single mom, seldomly saw my dad most of my childhood. Her pot smoking and party habits escalated through my teen years.
Although it was rough, I graduated from high school in 1995 with a 3.97 GPA (to this day, I am very bummed over the 2-3 Bs I got my freshman year). The craziest years of my life were my sophomore through senior years, and that is when I excelled the most with 4.0 report cards. However, those were the years I started my path of bad decisions re: boys. Thank God it didn't impact my academics. I was a bonafide overachiever then, too!
By 1998, my mom had a heavy duty mental illness diagnosis...and life changed. In two weeks of her hospital stay, I went from hating her to having to get over it to help her with doctor appointments.
She basically got a 'get out of jail free' card. I was so torn and broken. I had so much hate, anger, animosity toward her for the childhood that was forfeited by her lifestyle choices...and here I had a doctor sit in front of me and tell me: "Now, try not to get upset with her, please don't argue with her, it could send her into a relapse!"
Wow, she was off the hook, yet I continued to sit in my own jail of resentment.
Begrudgefully, I took her to the day clinic once/twice a week. This was not an easy thing for me. I was a junior in college, living in Bakersfield...and I had to drive out to the Wasco/Delano area to pick her up, bring her to Bakersfield (go to class/work)....and then turn around, pick her up from the clinic and take her home, in the same day. And oh, while I'm at it...let's drive her to the store for food and take her to do laundry, right?
At the time, I was bitter, so rude to her...just broken. Mad that for all the years she mistreated me, now I had to basically serve her. For what? She definitely did not 'deserve' it, right? But I did it anyways....see, my kid brother was still living with her, so he served as my motivating factor.
I looooooooooved him so much (I still do, onery guy)...But in order for me to take care of him, I had to take care of my mom. To insure he had food in the house to eat, I had to take her grocery shopping. This was the most grueling season of my life.
Sadly enough, eight months after my mom's diagnosis came, my beloved granny died of cancer. Can I just say 1998 sucked? She had been my refuge from my mom growing up. The one who listened to my childhood woes and loved me unconditionally. That was and still is the worst loss of my life. She was amazing, I loved her so much. She took such good care of me when I was with her, throughout my life. Awww...my granny, I sure do miss her.
So 1998 has gone down in the books as one of the worst year of my life. Yet, right around the corner 2001 came. This has gone down in the books as the best year of my life!
While 2001 ended as the best, 2001 started out rough and sad. See, in the year 2000, immediately following my college graduation, I followed the peer pressure and started my own party lifestyle. (Something I said I would never do since my mom's own alcohol and drug abuse traumatically hurt our lives). But, as I am convinced, alcohol is the gateway drug...and when I was drunk during those times in 2000, just about every drug that was freely offered to me, I tried. And some, I took up frequent use of. From June of 2000 to about February 2001, I partied using Ecstasy, every weekend on both Friday and Saturday nights. YIKES!
I know, crazy, huh? Crazy that I'm not crazy from that crazy use, huh?
What they say about Ecstasy is true. It's detrimental to your mind. See, it dumps out all your seratonin, the happy chemical naturally produced in your brain. But at some point, your brain can't create enough, store enough...so the end result...Serious, sad depression.
No seratonin = depression. This is why Prozac and meds like it are necessary sometimes, they stimulate the seratonin production so that people can feel normal/happy again. Although, I didn't get my hands on any of that, I just sunk down into despair.
I finally put two & two together of the long term side effects that were occuring with the Ecstasy, so I began declining when my friends offered. However, it was too late. Depression was taking over. I continued to drink and smoke pot to lift up my spirits and pull me out of that depression. It was a crazy cycle of addiction and abuse and continued depression and hopelessness.
Finally, I met someone who shared his testimony with me. The only thing I think I heard was: "Jesus healed me of a $350/day cocaine habit". I thought to myself, 'I'm bad, but not that bad, so Jesus can help me'. I set out on a mission to find out about this mysterious Jesus. Never knew He was the Savior of the world, the Redeemer of life. And I needed Him stat! I needed some saving and redeeming.
As the depression set in deeper and disgust with myself over doing what I said I would never do...drugs...I became suicidal. I felt like I had dug such a deep hole of failure that there was no way out. I almost began obsessing over it. I was on a mission to find the best way to take my life.
The challenge (because I love challenges right?) was that it had to appear like an accident. In my darkest moments, I did not want to live anymore. I just wanted to hit delete and erase myself from the planet. I was a mess. I was a alcoholic, pothead with no morals. A homewrecking, promiscuous, lying, cussing, unappreciative mess!
All the while the friend who told me about Christ must have been praying because in October 2001, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior!!!!! And then the radical transformation began.
Now 11 years later nearly, I am a sober, faithful wife and mom of two boys. I am not cussing at anyone these days...and my life is devoted to Christ and taking care of my family...happily including my mom.
As I sat with her yesterday, I said to her...Can you see God's redemption in my life mom???? Isn't it crazy to see firsthand.
Born out of sin...
yet born with a great purpose and calling on my life.
God had a planned in my mishap conception!
My mom...the person I wanted nothing to do with. The one I wanted to abandon for so long, I wanted to hate forever, and forget! She is now my best friend. I seriously love my mom. I call my mom on my own initiative. I love her. I hug her. I appreciate her. I help take care of her, without grumbling and resentment.
Not only did Jesus redeem my screwed up life and personal choices, but He redeemed my relationship with my mom in such an amazing way. I am so grateful!
And not too long ago, I hit a rough patch for a minute, with my dad...but God is even good in that. Let me just restate:
Jesus is in the business of reconciliation...
and REDEMPTION!!!
Who needs some of that? Cause Jesus is serving it up daily!!!!
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