Who starts the change in the marriage?

We hear it all the time that ‘my husband changed after we got married’, or ‘my wife changed’. But somewhere down the road, we both changed. I fully believe one started their own change however, and then the other changed to accommodate or fight against the other as a defense mechanism.

But who changed first? Many people point fingers and never take responsibility for their role, i.e. the blame game.

Personally, I know that my attitude is totally impacted by disappointment. I am disappointed by my ‘expectations’ not being met. A friend shared this nugget with me the other day:

When a loved one doesn't meet our expectations,

we must remember it is not our loved one that failed us,

it is our expectations that let us down.

I think many expect that the other won’t change the way they have. Now what?

Would it have helped if in pre-marital counseling the counselor ask: What if this person turned into the complete, negative opposite of who they are today? What if your spouse gained 50-100 lbs.? What if your wife never wore make-up again? What if your husband gambled all your money away? What if she never cleaned the house? What if he was grumpy for the rest of your life? What if she shopped you into deep debt? What if he never worked another day? What if ___fill in the blank____?

Wow - that would impact the number of marriages, huh? Hmmmm. I don't know...You might think I'm crazy...but think about all the divorces around us. Why are marriages ending? It's these kinds of things that are breaking the deals made. These are the daily things going on in homes...that after 5-10 years finally takes it toll. Hearts are hardened and one or both want out of the deal. They didn't sign up for this, right?

However, attempting to find the source of who started us down this path leads into a quandary and conflict. It leads us to the blame game and piles on more resentment.

Resentment affects attitude. A great value of justice leads me to the ‘that’s just not right’ campaign…which leads to the resentment, i.e. bitterness for me. And my good attitude quickly deteriorates.

The cure for resentment: FORGIVENESS. I am trying to learn to ‘let people off the hook’. I should really learn to ‘not have any expectations’, huh?

But what’s the deal? You marry a person because of who they are while you’re dating, don’t you?

Maybe you married your spouse because they were super on-fire for God, they prayed for you daily, they served the Lord diligently, loved reading their Bible, talked about God with you and others all the time…and then on top of that had some awesome values of integrity, honesty, humility, hardworking ethics, humor, and compassion. While dating, they loved your thoughts and opinions, and were always affectionate.

Once married, trials come…they fall out of their devotional life. Achievement comes and they lose their humility, compassion, and pride takes over. Their job or hobbies soon become an idol (because God has lost the #1 seat with time).  Affection and conversation becomes an ‘as-needed (for them) basis’. Hmmmm.

Here’s where the voids in the spouse who is enduring this sets in. Voids are NO BUENO in a marriage!

Where opinion and thoughts were appreciated, they are now met with judgment. Where there was excitement is grief. Once married, no one wants to be sharpened…they just want agreement. No opinions please - just agree & submit!

What to do? What to do?

When you marry under God – vowing to never leave the other, no matter what – one can feel stuck. But as I've said before: Where there is Christ, there is always hope! 

So what is the game plan? My conclusion is that you enter into the season of intercession. This becomes something that only God can mend. It may not be overnight, but He can and He will!

God is for marriage. He will save, cure, and help any marriage. It works especially well when BOTH people are willing to submit to Him.

This change/miracle requires radical intercession. Is it easy? Heck no. But can we tap out? Heck no. So what are we going to do? Pray. Pray. And pray some more.

Pray for that resurrection power to penetrate hardened hearts. Pray for the fear of the Lord in both your hearts. Pray for the humility to come back. Pray for submission to the Holy Spirit’s leading. Pray for divine intervention. Pray that God will protect your mind and heart from the enemy’s temptations to lure you away. Pray that God will move quickly and swiftly. Pray for the power to forgive and forget. Pray for the ability to trust God when it is ugly. Pray that you will have the endurance to pray until the victory comes. Pray hard. Pray daily.

Pray the other spouse will pray for you. When we pray for the other person, our heart is softer toward them. Pray for your heart to stay soft. Pray that God will search your heart and show you what needs to go and change in YOU.

At this point, God has to show up. We have to get into His presence and let Him change us and bear our burdens. At this point, it’s all up to God. So give it to Him and let Him be God of your marriage….your life.