Got Marriage?

The M word: Marriage.
It is the cornerstone of the church.
It is the foundation of the future.

It takes two to tango, for sure, but often times I observe ONE doing the work of the two. Both adults signed up for this, both should remain faithful to keep their vows.

It's very much easier said than done, right? I know. So an accompanying discipline that ALL married individuals should remain faithful in then would be: PRAYER.

Imagine if you will, a marriage where BOTH husband and wife were equally committed to praying for themselves, their marriage, their children, their finances, and their ministry. Can you imagine what a powerful team that would be? They would be on track and winning people to the Lord, right?

Which is exactly why Satan, the devil, the believer's archenemy hates praying, God pursuing people. Consider a family. A mom, a dad, and oh, two kids. If the dad won't fulfill his role of a godly role model for his kids, if the dad won't encourage and love his wife unconditionally, the wife is overwhelmed with chores and lonely. She can easily become bitter and resentful and then very disrespectful. Five years of this will kill hope. Five years of no counseling will leave them both unequipped to deal with the problems that all the complacency began. Five years of NO SPIRITUAL WARFARE will leave the couple defeated and bound under the lies of the enemy. One of the devil's favorite lies: IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

The devil. The liar. If you read your Bible often, you will see where God trains us to know that the devil is a liar, he goes around like a roaring lion looking for some to devour.

His favorite delicacy: MARRIAGES!

 

Now, I don't know what kind of teaching you have sat under for the last few years of your walk. I don't know your church-teaching background. I don't know if you read your Bible. I don't know if you even have a prayer life. But I can say this, if you are married - then you need to learn to pray and do SPIRITUAL WARFARE.

 

At the end of this I will list out verses for you to study to support this prayer discipline. But for now, let's look at life of families and I will give you prayer words that I would use in my life in each scenario. And for this post today, let's assume both husband and wife are Christians.

 

NOTE: When we are believers in Christ, we have the authority to rebuke the devil. Our authority is in Christ and the devil is under the authority of Christ. And the devil must bow down to commands IN JESUS' NAME!

 

Scenario 1: Spouse has an addiction and it is wreaking havoc in the home. They become consumed with this "thing" so much so that they neglect their family, no affection, no conversation, no responsibility...they are lost and drowning in it.

• First, my main thing that I would start praying for my spouse is 1) his/her spiritual walk. The Spirit is willing, the flesh is weak. A phone's battery will go dead if it never plugs into the charger right? So then, pray that they will be convicted to spend time with God. It is God who can do a work in our hearts. Intercede for their walk with God.
• Second thing I would do is 2) take authority over the spirit of addiction, rebuke the bondage that the enemy is entrapping them in. Also, include praying against the flesh that is trying to rule over them. I just need to list an example prayer below....

"Lord, I lift up my husband to you...and in Jesus name I pray that you would begin a work like never before. God I lift up his heart, do heart surgery. Heal the brokenness, heal the hurt, and soften his heart. Soften his heart to You. God cause his heart to be so sensitive to Your voice, Your conviction, Your authority. God, I pray a submissive spirit over my husband today! Cause him to be unable to avoid you. Invade his life. Invade his dreams, his thoughts, and day. God, send people to him today that will be speakers of truth, speakers of Your Word. In Jesus name. And I take authority over this bondage of sin. The addiction/bondage that is controlling him, I pray in Jesus name that you would release the captive. God set him free, in Isaiah 61 is says you bring liberty to the captives, please God free my husband from this addiction of NAME IT: (alcohol, sex, pornography, internet, food, games, gambling, Facebook, YouTube, - whatever it is that he is in). Break off the control it has. Take authority over the pull, the pleasure it brings him. Make him physically ill when he sits down to it, put a knot in his throat and convict his heart for his family God, in Jesus name. God give him a vision of what he is doing to us. But give him strength to overcome it. Give him strength to pray and agree with the work You are doing....And in Jesus name devil, I rebuke you. I rebuke you off my marriage, I rebuke you off my husband. I command every spirit of darkness to flee in Jesus name. Satan, you will not steal my husband and my marriage. I command you to take your claws out of my husband in Jesus name. I rebuke your addictive spirits in Jesus name. I rebuke the lies my husband is under, in Jesus name. I rebuke your work in our lives - Devil you have no authority in Jesus name, so be gone, leave, and stop it in Jesus name."

 

The prescription is: Do this daily. Yes, continually intercede.....because, this prayer will morph. As you intercede for your spouse, God will show you more to the problem. Perhaps, your spouse has this addiction, you start praying over them, and maybe really, they are struggling at work, but not sharing this. Maybe someone is harassing them, or tempting them, or something....something bad enough to push them to want to escape to that vice, that addiction. If God is to show you something like this, then you start praying over that situation, ask for confirmations, and even pray for a new job/opportunity.

 

Scenario 2: I hear this often in marriages. People who have been married 1 year, 3 years, 5, 7, 10, 20....those aren't magic numbers....just arbitrarily picked to point out, it happens at any point....But what do I hear? Those dreaded words: "I just don't love you anymore". People are funny. People are so fickle. Obviously, I am a HHHHUUUUUGGGGGEEEE advocate for PREMARITAL COUNSELING. This weeds out a lot of potential spouses that will desert you and who are not ready to really marry. But, often many bypass this in the name of SOMETHING: lust, convenience, pressure from parents, pressure from peers, pressure from the calendar saying 'you're getting old'....SIDE NOTE: If you're not ready to marry - DON'T. Period. That's a whole other topic..... So how would I pray if my husband, God forbid, came to me and said, "I just don't love you" or "I'm not in love with you". Anyone who knows me, knows my husband better watch out because I would go to my knees and pray, and pray and pray.

• First, I would pray for myself in this situation. Pray for God's protection over my heart and mind, and a myriad of things like: God protect my heart, keep me confident. Show me my identity in You Lord....along those lines for sure.
• Second, the key thing I would take authority over is the lie! The lies of the enemy trying to rob my marriage of it's purpose. Again, the devil is a liar. It would go something like this....

"Lord, in Jesus name, come minister to me. My heart is wounded from my husband's words that he's not in love with me...never will be, never was. Lord heal my heart. Give me the mind of Christ. Take authority over my thought life....take authority over depression and give me your strength to endure this season of prayer and intercession for my marriage and husband. Protect my heart from bitterness and hopelessness. Increase my faith and do a work in me through this. Give me endurance to pray until we come out on top, and keep me mindful to continually pray. Protect me from the lies of 'just find someone else', 'it's not worth it', 'tap out', 'give up'. God, put a determined spirit in me to intercede for my family. I know that you have a plan for me and my husband. God help us get there....and devil, I rebuke the lies you are speaking to my husband. I rebuke the lie of 'no love'. I rebuke the lies of hopelessness you are speaking to him. I rebuke you devil off my marriage in Jesus name. I take authority over any generational curses from our past ancestors, I rebuke the curse of divorce. I bind and tie any words of death spoken over our marriage in Jesus name....Devil, leave and stop in Jesus name...and so on..."

 

With this one you can pray all kinds of things, and yes, again God will begin to reveal things of their past that is influencing....lies from counselors or worldly friends...lies, lies, lies.

 

Why do I know these this works...outside of my personal testimonies of this kind of prayer working...the WORD!!!! Again: Read your Bibles, daily.

 

Ephesians 6:12: For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

 

John 8:44: ....(The devil) He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

 

Matthew 16:23: But He turned and said to Peter, “Get behind Me, Satan". (Jesus simply told Satan what to do...the devil has to bow down to Christ and our prayer will execute Christ's authority over him.)

 

Matthew 17:21: (Jesus said)...."But this kind does not go out except by prayer and fasting.” (Study this section, it's when the disciples were unable to cast out demons....search my blog for a post on fasting...I'm pretty sure there is one.)

 

Isaiah 61:1: The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me
To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives, and freedom to prisoners...

 

1 John 5:14-16: This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him. If anyone sees his brother committing a sin not leading to death, he shall ask and God will for him give life to those who commit sin not leading to death...

 

I leave you with this last verse w/ the underlined being what I stand on always when praying for the success of my marriage.

IT IS GOD'S WILL THAT

OUR MARRIAGES SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!!

 

So then...will YOU partner with God and intercede on your spouse's behalf and for your marriage, for your sake and your kids?

 

Consider this...the enemy loves to lure us to sleep and be complacent in prayer so that he can rip us off of our family and our walks with God...our children's salvation. The devil will use ANYTHING to keep us from serving the Lord in our fullest potential - by the Spirit of God!

 

So now...what's on your agenda DAILY? PRAYER!

 

****Note: This is not an exhaustive list of verses, nor are these exhaustive prayers...nor is this the only tool in the toolbox for scenarios like this....although: THIS IS A STARTING POINT...because I know that when you show up to prayer, God will show you great and mighty things to lead you down the path of victory. (Read Jeremiah 33:3 - this is why I pray so much!)

Do you share INTIMACY with anyone?

"I wish you were more available.
I wish we had better communication.
I wish you took time for me.
I wish you would tell me what is 'really' going on with you.

I would love to hear about your dreams and goals.
I would love to hear about your accomplishments.
I would love to hear about improvements you're making.
I would love to hear from you more often.

We need to spend more time together.
We need to talk more, face-to-face.
We need to share deeper thoughts and feelings.
We need to get together for coffee."

Many relationships have lost the simple touch of intimacy. Friendships, marriages, parent/child, sibling, etc. We're just 'not close' to those we love. Time together is missing.

I've heard it said: "YOU SPELL LOVE: T - I - M - E!"

Intimacy is defined as a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

Does your marriage have intimacy? It seems the general consensus for infidelity in marriages happens because of 'lack of intimacy'. Not just physical, but emotional...and greater emotional intimacy surely leads to more physical intimacy.

Couples are not sharing their hopes and dreams with their spouses any longer. Not sure why? I suspect that in many marriages in this day and age, schedules do not allow the couple to come together regularly, daily. Adjustments surely need to be made.

Stress can put you in quite a GRUMPY, non-intimate mood. A mood that doesn't allow you to relax and talk about other things that matter most to you. Stress keeps all the current problems on the table, where blood pressure runs high...and this makes you susceptible to being rude, or an angry over-reactor. This environment is not conducive to intimacy occuring. Adjustments need to be made.

Other relationships are lacking intimacy and quality time as well.

• Family relationships - When was the last time you sat and listened to your kids' ideas, thoughts, and hopes with love and acceptance?  
• Friendships - When was the last time you just let your friend vent, cry, celebrate with support and agreement?
• Our relationship with the Lord - When was the last time you sat and talked to God about your life and listened for His guidance? 

Re-read the bold statements again.

I imagine this is what Jesus is telling us sometimes:

"I would love to hear
about your dreams, your goals - YOU!"

Jesus would love to hear your voice daily. He longs for a relationship where you openly and honestly pour your heart out.

HONESTY, TRANSPARENCY, AND LOVE

CREATE AN ENVIRONMENT FOR INTIMACY TO HAPPEN!!!!

Let your disappointments pour out of you, let your needs be voiced. And then share your favorite things, your longings with Him. See, of all our relationships, the one we have with God is the one that will matter the most (right before the one with our spouses).

In fact, review your relationship with God or lack thereof...and then observe all your other relationships. Are they lacking intimacy like the one with God?

What is amazing is that "Jesus stands at the door knocking"...truly He stands and waits for YOU to let Him into your home and into your life.

We need to read those bold statements above again and then imagine this is a note from your Creator. What will your response be?

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!

How do we make God feel? Keep that question in mind as I run through some scenarios.

• You have a best friend that says she'll spend time with you. You haven't seen her for a long time and she promises a day with you. You have big plans of all the wonderful things you will share with her...and you can't wait to hear about life in her world. But the day comes and 'something comes up'. She promises next week you will get together, but the week rolls by without a day together. Couple things I would be thinking...1) Is she really a best friend? 2) Actions speak louder than words.

• Your spouse works long hours, and when you finally have potential time to spend together, they are either grumpy/complainy about the demands of life or voice that they'd really love to indulge in their hobby than spend time with you. There's already a void in your relationship throughout the week by their long hours, and even when the weekend comes, no special time is set aside for you...again. Couple things I would be thinking....1) Does my spouse really love me? 2) Actions speak louder than words.

QUESTION: Aren't we the best friend/spouse to God?

Think about it. Challenge yourself with this question. Do you spend the time with God that you promise Him. Do you make your appointment with Him daily? Weekly? Do you share the wonderful things of life with Him, like you do your friends....or do you only complain. Which complaining is okay, we do that with friends and He wants us to cast our cares and burdens on Him...but do you celebrate life with Him. Or do you only run to Him in crisis - ONLY?

Is work, hobbies, friends, work/making $$$ or everything else - more important than God? Look at your calendar. What activities in your schedule include God? Does where you spend your time communicate that God is a top priority? 

We say we love God, but do our actions say so? 

• Our children need more of us. We say they are our number one priorities. We promise trips to the park, coloring book time, reading time, cuddle time....but somehow, somewhere all that time turns into chores time, phone w/ friends time, or social media time. Our kids are longing for us. And we are absent in the home, physically present, socially unavailable - leaving our kids unstimulated, without affection, and without attention that communicates YOU ARE PRIORITY. Couple things I'm thinking....1) No wonder kids need meds, they're emotinally bankrupt. 2) Actions speak louder than words.

QUESTION: What if God was a parent like us?

Hardly available to listen to us? Unavailable to help us in life? Leaving us independent, forcing us to survive this world on our own without guidance?

Thank God He doesn't, right? Thank God He's NOT! He is readily available to listen, to rescue, to provide, to comfort us. When we talk to Him, He is fully listening. We are His #1 priority and He very well communicates that to me.

So here's the challenge:

Do what you say you're going to do

for God/with God - consistently.

Long-term.

You will finally gain some spiritual ground, you'll spiritually grow....and then, you will be able to be the parent your kids need, the spouse your husband/wife needs. You will soon become the child of God He intended for you to be!

Who starts the change in the marriage?

We hear it all the time that ‘my husband changed after we got married’, or ‘my wife changed’. But somewhere down the road, we both changed. I fully believe one started their own change however, and then the other changed to accommodate or fight against the other as a defense mechanism.

But who changed first? Many people point fingers and never take responsibility for their role, i.e. the blame game.

Personally, I know that my attitude is totally impacted by disappointment. I am disappointed by my ‘expectations’ not being met. A friend shared this nugget with me the other day:

When a loved one doesn't meet our expectations,

we must remember it is not our loved one that failed us,

it is our expectations that let us down.

I think many expect that the other won’t change the way they have. Now what?

Would it have helped if in pre-marital counseling the counselor ask: What if this person turned into the complete, negative opposite of who they are today? What if your spouse gained 50-100 lbs.? What if your wife never wore make-up again? What if your husband gambled all your money away? What if she never cleaned the house? What if he was grumpy for the rest of your life? What if she shopped you into deep debt? What if he never worked another day? What if ___fill in the blank____?

Wow - that would impact the number of marriages, huh? Hmmmm. I don't know...You might think I'm crazy...but think about all the divorces around us. Why are marriages ending? It's these kinds of things that are breaking the deals made. These are the daily things going on in homes...that after 5-10 years finally takes it toll. Hearts are hardened and one or both want out of the deal. They didn't sign up for this, right?

However, attempting to find the source of who started us down this path leads into a quandary and conflict. It leads us to the blame game and piles on more resentment.

Resentment affects attitude. A great value of justice leads me to the ‘that’s just not right’ campaign…which leads to the resentment, i.e. bitterness for me. And my good attitude quickly deteriorates.

The cure for resentment: FORGIVENESS. I am trying to learn to ‘let people off the hook’. I should really learn to ‘not have any expectations’, huh?

But what’s the deal? You marry a person because of who they are while you’re dating, don’t you?

Maybe you married your spouse because they were super on-fire for God, they prayed for you daily, they served the Lord diligently, loved reading their Bible, talked about God with you and others all the time…and then on top of that had some awesome values of integrity, honesty, humility, hardworking ethics, humor, and compassion. While dating, they loved your thoughts and opinions, and were always affectionate.

Once married, trials come…they fall out of their devotional life. Achievement comes and they lose their humility, compassion, and pride takes over. Their job or hobbies soon become an idol (because God has lost the #1 seat with time).  Affection and conversation becomes an ‘as-needed (for them) basis’. Hmmmm.

Here’s where the voids in the spouse who is enduring this sets in. Voids are NO BUENO in a marriage!

Where opinion and thoughts were appreciated, they are now met with judgment. Where there was excitement is grief. Once married, no one wants to be sharpened…they just want agreement. No opinions please - just agree & submit!

What to do? What to do?

When you marry under God – vowing to never leave the other, no matter what – one can feel stuck. But as I've said before: Where there is Christ, there is always hope! 

So what is the game plan? My conclusion is that you enter into the season of intercession. This becomes something that only God can mend. It may not be overnight, but He can and He will!

God is for marriage. He will save, cure, and help any marriage. It works especially well when BOTH people are willing to submit to Him.

This change/miracle requires radical intercession. Is it easy? Heck no. But can we tap out? Heck no. So what are we going to do? Pray. Pray. And pray some more.

Pray for that resurrection power to penetrate hardened hearts. Pray for the fear of the Lord in both your hearts. Pray for the humility to come back. Pray for submission to the Holy Spirit’s leading. Pray for divine intervention. Pray that God will protect your mind and heart from the enemy’s temptations to lure you away. Pray that God will move quickly and swiftly. Pray for the power to forgive and forget. Pray for the ability to trust God when it is ugly. Pray that you will have the endurance to pray until the victory comes. Pray hard. Pray daily.

Pray the other spouse will pray for you. When we pray for the other person, our heart is softer toward them. Pray for your heart to stay soft. Pray that God will search your heart and show you what needs to go and change in YOU.

At this point, God has to show up. We have to get into His presence and let Him change us and bear our burdens. At this point, it’s all up to God. So give it to Him and let Him be God of your marriage….your life.